the experts out there say to have a word to define your upcoming year. This year my word is Choose/choice. I came to this word from a couple of things that came across my path on the same week and it to spoke to me. One was "chose today whom you will serve." It a bible verse from the old testament speaking about serving God vs other gods. "Gods" today can mean a lot of things--money, selfish ways, etc. And this sermon at a small AME church really spoke to me. Who am I serving? How are my choices reflecting whom I serve?
The second message came from a piece of paper on a widow sill at work, next to the elevator I was waiting for. It said this "by choosing the content of your character, you can choose the type of results you see in your life. why not make a commitment to yourself today to write your own history. by consciously choosing the most constructive actions available to you, you can shape the course of your life." (Chris Widener).
I realize that I am now the age my parents were when the divorced and started their lives over again. What were the choices they made and am I making the same ones? What would I like my life to look like in 25-30 years?
One of my choices is to be a better servant with my money. To pay off this debt, build a savings, be a giving person. So I'm on a budget diet so to speak and will stick to the budget I set every month. No cheating! (and God only knows what is going to happen with the economy with this big corporate tax cut, probably down the toilet in a few years).
Second choice is to continue with school and pursue a job in a warmer climate. AHS has hospitals and the corporate offices in Orlando, FL and surrounding area. I plan to finish this MPA and get a job there. It's not Mexico but at least it's warmer!
Third choice is once and for all getting better about eating habits. Trying to break the emotional eating. Crossfit is going great and will continue to do that.
Forth choice is back to that emotional part, choosing to calm myself instead of anger and anxiety. That's a continual battle some days, but I can do it. I can make a choice in how I respond and that's what I will do.
So that is my new year 2018 choice. To make better choices with my time, money and energy.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Saturday, December 23, 2017
last week of 2017
Well, if you asked me this time last year if I would be where I am now, I would have said no. But I'm in a good place with work. I'm supervising an LSCSW for extra pay, doing home health for extra pay and doing well at work. The past two weeks have been crazy but at least I'm getting some R&R this weekend. And I've decided to move forward with getting the MPA with an emphasis in healthcare. I'll never move up with just an MSW, at least not in this hospital. But SMMC is part of a bigger health organization, AHS, so I could potentially move to another hospital if I wanted a supervisor position or some other type of position outside of social work. At least it's worth a shot. and the hospital pays for school so definitely worth it!
So these past few weeks have also been a challenge. Spent some time with my mom in October for her retirement. Will just say it didn't end well. So, I'm just done with the whole situation. I have not talked with her since then. Trying to figure out how to go forward. I realized that I am a total idiot. I keep hoping she will get her life together and she never will. She has no desire to do the real work it will take to make that happen. She only blames other people for her problems and cant manage her life. So, I didn't go down for Thanksgiving and I'm not going down this weekend either. I'll go down to Enid next weekend to visit and will go and see Chloe. will also visit with family. And I've been thinking about things this weekend. I want the holidays to be a happy time. To see family and have good memories. Every Christmas seems like a frustrating mess because the only thing she wants is for everyone to be at her house on Christmas day. There is no compromising, no middle ground, and when we do something else then she is mad and accuses us of never chosing her. I'm tired of the guilt and shame. She is making these choices. We have other family to see and we cannot always be with her on Christmas day itself. I'm over it. I'm going to do what I want from here forward. She can chose to make herself upset, angry and whatever else she is feeling. She can chose how she is going to respond.
I thought today about how my brother, sister in law and Tim can make our own plans. I would like for us to have a good time at the holidays. I plan to ask David and Mary what they would like to do, hopefully on a yearly basis, so that we always know what our family time will be (pending weather of course). I don't care what day it is, or what we really do for that matter. Travel, or stay home or decide to rotate where we are. But she will be invited and she can chose what she wants to do. And I don't care how she feels about it. I think about my friend Rebecca, and the first year anniversary of her husband's death. Her advise about life and "no more bullshit." Well, she is so right. We do have some choice as long as we are alive in how we are going to respond to what is happening. And I chose no more bullshit--no more guilt, no more taking on the responsibility of how someone else's anger, no more doing "the right thing" just to make someone else happy and the expense of my own boundaries.
So, 2018 goals.
Credit card debt will be paid off by May 1
save $100 per month until credit cards are paid off then save $500 per month
pay $100 per month on student load amount until credit cards are paid off then $500 per month
Stick to the budget!
Be better about not eating junk food
Keep doing Crossfit. I may change gyms depending on how things go the next few months.
Take my next class for the MPA and see how that goes.
and that's it!
So these past few weeks have also been a challenge. Spent some time with my mom in October for her retirement. Will just say it didn't end well. So, I'm just done with the whole situation. I have not talked with her since then. Trying to figure out how to go forward. I realized that I am a total idiot. I keep hoping she will get her life together and she never will. She has no desire to do the real work it will take to make that happen. She only blames other people for her problems and cant manage her life. So, I didn't go down for Thanksgiving and I'm not going down this weekend either. I'll go down to Enid next weekend to visit and will go and see Chloe. will also visit with family. And I've been thinking about things this weekend. I want the holidays to be a happy time. To see family and have good memories. Every Christmas seems like a frustrating mess because the only thing she wants is for everyone to be at her house on Christmas day. There is no compromising, no middle ground, and when we do something else then she is mad and accuses us of never chosing her. I'm tired of the guilt and shame. She is making these choices. We have other family to see and we cannot always be with her on Christmas day itself. I'm over it. I'm going to do what I want from here forward. She can chose to make herself upset, angry and whatever else she is feeling. She can chose how she is going to respond.
I thought today about how my brother, sister in law and Tim can make our own plans. I would like for us to have a good time at the holidays. I plan to ask David and Mary what they would like to do, hopefully on a yearly basis, so that we always know what our family time will be (pending weather of course). I don't care what day it is, or what we really do for that matter. Travel, or stay home or decide to rotate where we are. But she will be invited and she can chose what she wants to do. And I don't care how she feels about it. I think about my friend Rebecca, and the first year anniversary of her husband's death. Her advise about life and "no more bullshit." Well, she is so right. We do have some choice as long as we are alive in how we are going to respond to what is happening. And I chose no more bullshit--no more guilt, no more taking on the responsibility of how someone else's anger, no more doing "the right thing" just to make someone else happy and the expense of my own boundaries.
So, 2018 goals.
Credit card debt will be paid off by May 1
save $100 per month until credit cards are paid off then save $500 per month
pay $100 per month on student load amount until credit cards are paid off then $500 per month
Stick to the budget!
Be better about not eating junk food
Keep doing Crossfit. I may change gyms depending on how things go the next few months.
Take my next class for the MPA and see how that goes.
and that's it!
Sunday, July 30, 2017
mid summer
Summer is going along and things are still going well. Except that weight loss goal, but more on that later.
Got the Ceu's done and license renewed.
Got the passport updated.
Work is still going well. I'm getting lots of good feedback about my work and getting along well with everyone. I also realize this is a good role for me in that it's problem solving then moving on. My last job at CMH was case management of families who had problems that were never going to be solved. I think that was also really frustrating for me.
A few weeks ago at church our pastor was talking about toxic relationships. I thought about the usual people who have been toxic for me, and then realized what he was describing was my relationship with CMH. I didn't realized how toxic that position had become for me. I know a lot of people love their job there and that's great. I know there were some things I could have done differently that might have helped. But so many people said and did things that made me feel bad about the work I was doing there. I would never go back to that kind of environment again. I just will not put up with that kind of stuff again.
So I move forward. Having learned a lot of good things and things I need to do differently at work and it's coming together well. I enjoy the job and I enjoy my coworkers. This is the job I will do to make a living. It may not be my passion, but it's something I'm good at and can do without too much stress.
Which leads me to what to do with this certificate I'm going to finish in December. I still love international work. So, I think I'm going to try and be on a board some where that does international humanitarian work.
For the upcoming semester my focus will be getting this last class completed. Then look for an organization to either volunteer for or be on their board.
Now for weight loss---very frustrated. I feel like I make progress then fall back. Not sure what to do but keep trying. But I like to eat, and I like wine or a mixed drink. Not every day but enough that it ups my calories a lot. At least my progress in Crossfit is improving so I know the increase in protein is helping.
Goals going forward:
1. keep trying to eat better and be consistant every day
2. crossfit--toes to bar.
3. keep on budget
4. my last class
I will not join or focus on anything else right now. It will be "no" to anything else.
Got the Ceu's done and license renewed.
Got the passport updated.
Work is still going well. I'm getting lots of good feedback about my work and getting along well with everyone. I also realize this is a good role for me in that it's problem solving then moving on. My last job at CMH was case management of families who had problems that were never going to be solved. I think that was also really frustrating for me.
A few weeks ago at church our pastor was talking about toxic relationships. I thought about the usual people who have been toxic for me, and then realized what he was describing was my relationship with CMH. I didn't realized how toxic that position had become for me. I know a lot of people love their job there and that's great. I know there were some things I could have done differently that might have helped. But so many people said and did things that made me feel bad about the work I was doing there. I would never go back to that kind of environment again. I just will not put up with that kind of stuff again.
So I move forward. Having learned a lot of good things and things I need to do differently at work and it's coming together well. I enjoy the job and I enjoy my coworkers. This is the job I will do to make a living. It may not be my passion, but it's something I'm good at and can do without too much stress.
Which leads me to what to do with this certificate I'm going to finish in December. I still love international work. So, I think I'm going to try and be on a board some where that does international humanitarian work.
For the upcoming semester my focus will be getting this last class completed. Then look for an organization to either volunteer for or be on their board.
Now for weight loss---very frustrated. I feel like I make progress then fall back. Not sure what to do but keep trying. But I like to eat, and I like wine or a mixed drink. Not every day but enough that it ups my calories a lot. At least my progress in Crossfit is improving so I know the increase in protein is helping.
Goals going forward:
1. keep trying to eat better and be consistant every day
2. crossfit--toes to bar.
3. keep on budget
4. my last class
I will not join or focus on anything else right now. It will be "no" to anything else.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
too much stuff
So we moved into our new place and it's very good. It's a lot bigger than the apartment and now we have all our stuff out of storage and with us. And I have to say I'm a bit overwhelmed with it all. It feels like it's taking forever to get settled in and unpacked. It feels like there are boxes every where and things are still in such upheaval. I still find myself going through things and tossing stuff out. Also thinking about what to get rid of when I feel like we've purged so much already. Ugh! I'd like to just leave it all behind. Yet, there are a lot of keepsakes too. So, I plan to enjoy what we have and use everything possible. I figure enjoy it for the next few years then be ready to get rid of everything and move to Mexico.
I also did not finish the Levitt Challenge. It's disappointing but I don't know how I could have gotten it done well with all the moving and changes. The Reading Nook project is going forward any way so that is good.
I still gotta finish those CEU's! I keep meaning to do it at work and don't have time. I really wish I could take a couple of days off work to get this house in order. It's so annoying to have it feel so junky like this.
And I'm starting a new diet next week with the gym. I'm looking forward to it. Maybe this is the summer to shed all the stuff and pounds I've been carrying around for so long. It's time to create that simpler and healthier life now. I hope I can do it.
I also did not finish the Levitt Challenge. It's disappointing but I don't know how I could have gotten it done well with all the moving and changes. The Reading Nook project is going forward any way so that is good.
I still gotta finish those CEU's! I keep meaning to do it at work and don't have time. I really wish I could take a couple of days off work to get this house in order. It's so annoying to have it feel so junky like this.
And I'm starting a new diet next week with the gym. I'm looking forward to it. Maybe this is the summer to shed all the stuff and pounds I've been carrying around for so long. It's time to create that simpler and healthier life now. I hope I can do it.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
I started the new job and things seem to be going well. It's a faith based hospital and they do not shy away from making that known, which is good. It's nice to work someplace that has a Christian mission. It has a nice atmosphere and they want their employees to be happy. Of course I've run into a few disgruntled people but that will be any where. I'm not letting it phase me. I got set up with my cubicle and made my mindfulness corner and put up a few pics of me and Tim in Mexico, plus one of my favorite pics I took at Tulum.
I can tell that taking a year off did my mind a lot of good. I'm a lot less forgetful and have even been remembering people's names! I wrote down things that I need to remember and that has also helped a lot. I haven't fucked up too much stuff yet, lol!
I also got my first paycheck and it was more than I thought it would be, which is good! They aren't taking out $$ for benefits yet, so I'll have several nice paychecks before that starts. I reviewed the budget and will be completely debt free in a year if nothing really expensive comes up. *fingers crossed*.
And, we found a great duplex to move in to, which we are doing in two weeks! We are both excieted to move and it's three blocks from the hospital. So, I can walk or ride my bike to work which I'm excited about being able to do again, like I did when I worked at KUMC. That will also be good for me.
So, I find myself saying that God answers prayers in ways we don't expect. The hospital also does medical mission trips as part of following it's organizational Christian mission. I won't go this fall but will plan to go next year. The way things are working out make me feel this is where I'm supposed to be and God is providing me with what I need. I don't know career wise where this is going. I'm just doing the job, doing my best and going with it.
So, tasks going forward--
1) get my LSCSW CEUS! eeks--I've let that go too long. It's due soon and I need to get that done.
2) finish the Levitt challenge things at UMKC
3) still need to do my passport and social security card. but I did find my birth certificate so will do that as soon as we move. It's in a safe deposit box so at least I know where it is now! lol!
I can tell that taking a year off did my mind a lot of good. I'm a lot less forgetful and have even been remembering people's names! I wrote down things that I need to remember and that has also helped a lot. I haven't fucked up too much stuff yet, lol!
I also got my first paycheck and it was more than I thought it would be, which is good! They aren't taking out $$ for benefits yet, so I'll have several nice paychecks before that starts. I reviewed the budget and will be completely debt free in a year if nothing really expensive comes up. *fingers crossed*.
And, we found a great duplex to move in to, which we are doing in two weeks! We are both excieted to move and it's three blocks from the hospital. So, I can walk or ride my bike to work which I'm excited about being able to do again, like I did when I worked at KUMC. That will also be good for me.
So, I find myself saying that God answers prayers in ways we don't expect. The hospital also does medical mission trips as part of following it's organizational Christian mission. I won't go this fall but will plan to go next year. The way things are working out make me feel this is where I'm supposed to be and God is providing me with what I need. I don't know career wise where this is going. I'm just doing the job, doing my best and going with it.
So, tasks going forward--
1) get my LSCSW CEUS! eeks--I've let that go too long. It's due soon and I need to get that done.
2) finish the Levitt challenge things at UMKC
3) still need to do my passport and social security card. but I did find my birth certificate so will do that as soon as we move. It's in a safe deposit box so at least I know where it is now! lol!
Sunday, March 5, 2017
moving forward with new dreams/plans
so, I got the job at the hospital and it will be good. I'll be doing discharge planning for people on dialysis and in the ER, as well as a couple other small areas. There will be some on-call but doesn't sound too bad. Everyone seems nice and I'm happy they hired me. At least now I'll be making real money again.
And so I'm done with the dream of doing international humanitarian work or even work in the church. I'm going to work at the hospital, and at the home care agency, make good money, save and then move to Mexico. Tim will turn 62 in 5 years and be able to draw social security. There is nothing more I need here in the US. I'm planning to down size even more than we already have. Pare down the doll collections and work on putting medals and awards in a couple of shadow boxes. I want everything I own to fit in my car.
We are planning to move soon as well and get stuff out of storage. We are looking at townhouse that would work well. I'm still holding out for a rental in this neighborhood that is along a bike trail and super close to the hospital, but we will see.
Overall I feel I'm just done with the whole thing. Don't want to be in leadership, don't care about crap at church. Don't want to be involved in stuff any more where I'm not getting paid, except Kuomba. My plan is to work well at the hospital, do a good job and not get into stuff with people.
I am still doing crossfit and have surprised myself during the open challenge. Toes to bar, and really anything involving the bar pull ups, is what I cannot do. Not even one. So, going to start working on that and next year will do much better.
So, my three things in life will be, work (making money), crossfit, Kuomba. that's it. I intend to spend the rest of my time enjoying life and relaxing. I will finish my nonprofit certification next fall since I only have one more class left.
The dream now is to move to Mexico with Tim and that is very doable. It will involve getting some debt paid but that is also doable with my soon to be salary. My car is paid off finally. Next is one credit card and the student loans. Barring any unforeseen disasters, I should get caught up in a year.
My goals for the next two weeks, before my new job starts, is to
1. make a passport appointment to get that renewed
2. get my license name updated
3. try and find my birth certificate so I can update my social security card
I have two more weeks at the bakery. I'm off on St Patricks day and I plan to attend the KC parade and drink green beer. Fuck it, enjoy life and every minute of it.
And so I'm done with the dream of doing international humanitarian work or even work in the church. I'm going to work at the hospital, and at the home care agency, make good money, save and then move to Mexico. Tim will turn 62 in 5 years and be able to draw social security. There is nothing more I need here in the US. I'm planning to down size even more than we already have. Pare down the doll collections and work on putting medals and awards in a couple of shadow boxes. I want everything I own to fit in my car.
We are planning to move soon as well and get stuff out of storage. We are looking at townhouse that would work well. I'm still holding out for a rental in this neighborhood that is along a bike trail and super close to the hospital, but we will see.
Overall I feel I'm just done with the whole thing. Don't want to be in leadership, don't care about crap at church. Don't want to be involved in stuff any more where I'm not getting paid, except Kuomba. My plan is to work well at the hospital, do a good job and not get into stuff with people.
I am still doing crossfit and have surprised myself during the open challenge. Toes to bar, and really anything involving the bar pull ups, is what I cannot do. Not even one. So, going to start working on that and next year will do much better.
So, my three things in life will be, work (making money), crossfit, Kuomba. that's it. I intend to spend the rest of my time enjoying life and relaxing. I will finish my nonprofit certification next fall since I only have one more class left.
The dream now is to move to Mexico with Tim and that is very doable. It will involve getting some debt paid but that is also doable with my soon to be salary. My car is paid off finally. Next is one credit card and the student loans. Barring any unforeseen disasters, I should get caught up in a year.
My goals for the next two weeks, before my new job starts, is to
1. make a passport appointment to get that renewed
2. get my license name updated
3. try and find my birth certificate so I can update my social security card
I have two more weeks at the bakery. I'm off on St Patricks day and I plan to attend the KC parade and drink green beer. Fuck it, enjoy life and every minute of it.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
january sucked
So January started out great with an interview at a nonprofit doing refugee service coordination and then had a second interview. I was sure I was about to be offered the job then started getting the run around about when they would have a decision. Then Trump was sworn in and then he put a grinding halt to letting refugees into the country. So the job was rescinded and now I have no full-time job. and no prospects in the nonprofit social service world. Or international humanitarian world. I did start a PRN gig at a home health agency which has helped me pay the bills for the month of January. Now that job really is PRN in that I have to wait for referrals to come in and that could be four a 4 week or 2 a month. So that is not a steady source of income. Right now I barely have enough income to pay the bills through the middle of the month. Don't know what I'm going to do but feeling pretty bleak about it all. At least this is the last month of car payments and I'm trying to stop payments on this long term care insurance I have. That will eliminate $230 per month from my expenses. And our phones are paid for so that's another $40 per month. But that is about all I can eliminate. I just keep hoping SOMETHING will come up to give me steady income until we can move into a cheaper place.
So, now I'm back to applying for hospital social work jobs. sigh. Not what I wanted at all, but it is something I can do. I applied for a position at a hospital near my house. I should be a good candidate but who knows what they will think of someone who's worked at the two biggest hospitals in town and left both.
And then there's the social enterprenuership challenge at school. I am working with a pastor and his wife and I thought we were on the same page and had the same thoughts about how to use a building and expand a ministry. When we met this last weekend in class I realize we are not. He said he's been doing some reports and his superiors want some results, "now." And "we are not a social service agency." If he can do some programs to build a ministry that is fine. I don't have any idea what his vision of this is. At all. I know my vision and I'm not sure it's gelling with his at this point. so not sure where to go with that or where he is going with all of this but not feeling we are moving in the same direction. I think he is looking at this challenge as a way to see if the business model can help build a ministry. I'm looking at it to help solve a social problem in that community. It can be the same thing but I don't think it is.
So, I have not met my workout goals, although I was doing crossfit a little more consistently. Not eating well at all.
I started January feeling the winds of change and good forward movement and now feel the wind has been taken out of my sails. I have no idea what direction to go next or how I'm going to financially make it. But, here's what I'm going to do tomorrow:
get my home care ipad password corrected and schedule my first home care patient
get my reimbursement check from church and deposit that
call Prudential to make sure they got my cancellation letter
call Aflac to cancel that accidental insurance policy
go to work at the bakery
On Tuesday I plan to talk with the crossfit people to see if we can work out a deal to lower my monthly payment and still be able to work out a couple of times per week.
see what I need to do to update my passport which expires this year.
and that's all I have. No idea, other than work at the bakery, what will happen after that. But hoping to God something comes along this month that is more positive.
feeling discouraged.
So, now I'm back to applying for hospital social work jobs. sigh. Not what I wanted at all, but it is something I can do. I applied for a position at a hospital near my house. I should be a good candidate but who knows what they will think of someone who's worked at the two biggest hospitals in town and left both.
And then there's the social enterprenuership challenge at school. I am working with a pastor and his wife and I thought we were on the same page and had the same thoughts about how to use a building and expand a ministry. When we met this last weekend in class I realize we are not. He said he's been doing some reports and his superiors want some results, "now." And "we are not a social service agency." If he can do some programs to build a ministry that is fine. I don't have any idea what his vision of this is. At all. I know my vision and I'm not sure it's gelling with his at this point. so not sure where to go with that or where he is going with all of this but not feeling we are moving in the same direction. I think he is looking at this challenge as a way to see if the business model can help build a ministry. I'm looking at it to help solve a social problem in that community. It can be the same thing but I don't think it is.
So, I have not met my workout goals, although I was doing crossfit a little more consistently. Not eating well at all.
I started January feeling the winds of change and good forward movement and now feel the wind has been taken out of my sails. I have no idea what direction to go next or how I'm going to financially make it. But, here's what I'm going to do tomorrow:
get my home care ipad password corrected and schedule my first home care patient
get my reimbursement check from church and deposit that
call Prudential to make sure they got my cancellation letter
call Aflac to cancel that accidental insurance policy
go to work at the bakery
On Tuesday I plan to talk with the crossfit people to see if we can work out a deal to lower my monthly payment and still be able to work out a couple of times per week.
see what I need to do to update my passport which expires this year.
and that's all I have. No idea, other than work at the bakery, what will happen after that. But hoping to God something comes along this month that is more positive.
feeling discouraged.
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