when you're done you're done

There comes that time when you know you're done. With a relationship, with a job--which is also a relationship of sorts.  I know I am done.  For so long I thought I would be sad about leaving and that it would be hard.  Now I don't think so. 


I was watching the Ninja challenge on NBC last night.  A guy on the show said that at some point maybe he would get a real job.  But realized he has a dream and said "who wants a real job any way?"  I said, you don't want a "real job."  I knew what he meant, an 8-5 job, daily grind, daily commute, clock in and out, type of job.  I know a certain level of certainty comes with that type of job. An guaranteed income, benefits, insurance, vacation.  But at what price?  Does certainty mean happiness? 


I admire people who go after a dream rather that "a real job."  I wish I had that kind of courage. 


And last week a couple of people said they are planning a trip to Mozambique next summer.  I wanted to go and the old fears of uncertainty crept in..money and would I have enough?  Wanting to move and having enough money for moving and traveling.  Then I thought to myself, this is exactly the fear that has kept me from doing the trips I've wanted to do in the past.  The regrets I looked back on now and wish I had gone on the trip instead of worrying if I had enough  money. 


And then I thought I want to go.  And if I live every day towards that goal of doing the big things I like, instead of doing the little things I do in order to cope with the life I have--and don't like---then I would have the money.  It's a switch in thinking.  Not worrying, yet prioritizing what my dream is. 


God give me the courage and opportunity to do what you have put in my heart.  To go forward without fear or hesitation.  To not worry about the what if's.  To know that you will provide for everything I need, and that I already have everything I need to survive.  Now I need to live.  Really live every day, not just a few times a year or once in a while. 


The first step's always the hardest one to take---it's a leap of faith. 

what is the best of my life

I've done very well this week eating lunches from home, walking almost every day, keeping on top of things.  And what are the bigger picture things.  What exactly does the best of my life look like?  Last night Tim and I were at our favorite watering hole, sitting outside with some friends we have met at that bar.  It was a beautiful night and I thought about how lucky we are to be in the USA, having a drink, sitting outside enjoying good company.  This is what life is about--enjoying these moments and I wanted more of those.  So I began to ponder how to make the best of my life while I was making salsa verde for the family cookout this evening. 


I still hope for a job that is a little less intense.  I don't mind being busy, but social work is too intense.  Still working and looking for that opportunity. 


Less of a commute and a more flexible schedule. 


I'd like to see some places I haven't been.  Yellowstone for one.  Return to San Francisco and see the redwoods, maybe wine country.  France, Italy, Australia.  I'd go back to Hawaii but see a different Island.  My ultimate trip is the Maldives---I've seen pictures and would love to see it in person.  Plus I'd get to layover in Dubai and I think it would be interesting to see a middle eastern country. 


Have a home that's less maintenance.  I know a townhome community I'd like to live in that's also beside a walking trail and stream.  I need to have faith in that timing of selling Tim's house and finding the right place there.  If not there, then some place similar.  I'd like to come home to a sanctuary.  (of course, convincing Tim we need to live there too! HA! I think it does have what we both want).


Be able to run again.  Not run fast or compete, but just run easy and feel good. 


Do a mission trip every year out of the country.  I really enjoy that kind of travel and supporting developing countries. 


These are all doable things.  I doing all little things every day, leads to having the bigger things.